The Daily Rimshot: The "You Don't Say" Edition

Today we celebrate those unwitting masters of the excruciatingly obvious, the headline-writers. In his Best of the Web Today column, James Taranto showcases headlines such as these under the heading You Don't Say. These rimshots are offered in the same spirit.

 

Police to continue questioning terror suspects
(from This Is Local London)

In other news, firefighters have announced that they plan to continue extinguishing fires, while medical personnel have reported "no change" in their plans to treat the sick and injured.

Beijing hopeful of SARS decline
(from CNN)

Analysts were stunned at this reversal, noting the apparent downfall of the once powerful pro-SARS camp in the Chinese regime.

Mideast Less Tense But Still Dangerous, US Govt Says
(from Agence France Presse)

WASHINGTON, 7 May 2003 — The United States yesterday renewed its travel warning for US citizens in the Middle East, saying that despite an easing in tensions since the end of conflict in Iraq, the region remains dangerous and Americans may be targeted by terrorists.

This news came as something of a shock to Travel agent Murray Sykes. "This isn't what I've been telling my customers," said Sykes. "I hope it's still safe to go to North Korea, or I'm going to have to change my whole ad campaign."

All news stories (the headlines and quotes) are real and are the property of their respective publishers. I use Google News and sometimes Yahoo! to find interesting stories. I'll be here all week. Thanks. Drive safe.

India to resume cricket ties with Pakistan - - report
(from CNN/SI)

NEW DELHI, India (AP) -- The Indian government is likely to allow the resumption of bilateral cricket matches against Pakistan within a week, an Indian cricket board member said Thursday.

Taking a cue from the old adversaries, President Bush commented that he "might give Kim Jong Il a call" to determine whether the North Korean leader would be interested in "a game of lawn darts or something."

Cheney: I'll Run in 2004
(from the Salt Lake Tribune)

DALLAS -- Vice President Dick Cheney has confirmed that he will be President Bush's running mate in 2004.

While U.S. political analysts view Cheney's announcement in light of his health concerns and low profile since 9/11, pundits outside the US provided a completely different spin on the story.

S.C. Senate Debate: Tax Hikes Vs. School Funding
(from the Carolina Channel)

COLUMBIA, S.C. -- State senators spent much of Wednesday's budget debate arguing over how much money should go to public schools in South Carolina.

[Um, okay, I'm not an economist or anything, but shouldn't that headline read "Tax CUTS vs. School Funding?" Wouldn't tax hikes and school funding be on the same side?]

All news stories (the headlines and quotes) are real and are the property of their respective publishers. I use Google News and sometimes Yahoo! to find interesting stories. I'll be here all week. Thanks. Drive safe.

Foot-dragging dogs Iraq peace force
(from Canada.com)

It's unclear how these limping canines are actually helping to enforce the peace, but no doubt every little effort is appreciated.

All news stories (the headlines and quotes) are real and are the property of their respective publishers. I use Google News and sometimes Yahoo! to find interesting stories. I'll be here all week. Thanks. Drive safe.

Rights group: Planned release of Guantamo prisoners is too little, too late
(from Cnews)

WASHINGTON (CP) - The planned release of more than a dozen terrorist suspects out of 660 held at the Pentagon's prison in Cuba is too little and too late, a prison rights group says.

"Let's just forget the whole thing," said a spokesman for the group. "If they're only going to let a few out, they might as well keep them all in there."

CREW 'IN THE CLEAR'
(from Sky News)

Two American astronauts and a Russian cosmonaut have denied their Soyuz spacecraft landed off target because they pressed the wrong button.

The astronaut and cosmonaut team also explained that the only reason they weren't wearing their spacesuits when the capsule was opened was because of some coffee spilled earlier in the flight.

All news stories (the headlines and quotes) are real and are the property of their respective publishers. I use Google News and sometimes Yahoo! to find interesting stories. I'll be here all week. Thanks. Drive safe.

Ex-Enron chief's wife indicted on six fraud charges
(from the Times Online))

LEA FASTOW, the wife of former Enron chief financial officer Andrew Fastow, was yesterday forced to take the walk of shame in handcuffs after she surrendered to authorities investigating the multibillion-dollar fraud that brought about the energy company's collapse.

NOW predsident Kim Gandy praised the arrest, citing it as a "breakthrough" in the Enron scandal's "seemingly impenetrable glass ceiling."

House Adopts Global Plan of $15 Billion Against AIDS
(from the New York Times)

WASHINGTON, May 1 -- The House adopted a $15 billion initiative to combat AIDS worldwide today. The vote was taken after conservatives won a requirement that at least one-third of the money promote sexual abstinence before marriage.

[Unfortunately, I can't make a joke, here, since there's nothing ironic about congressmen spending five billion dollars to promote sexual abstinence.]

Hong Kong researchers warn SARS virus mutating, hard to fight
(from channelnewsasia.com)

Researchers in Hong Kong have warned that the SARS virus is mutating fast and this could complicate efforts to develop a solid diagnosis and a vaccine.

In response to these developments, the Centers for Disease Control today announced the nation-wide release of a film intended to inform the general public on issues surrounding mutation.

Chuck out your handsets, here come the wristphones
(from The Register)

Samsung has said its GPRS wristphone will ship in Europe in time for Christmas. The device, announced earlier this year, is the world's smallest GPRS phone, claims Samsung.

Law enforcement agencies across the nation hailed the announcement.

All news stories (the headlines and quotes) are real and are the property of their respective publishers. I use Google News and sometimes Yahoo! to find interesting stories. I'll be here all week. Thanks. Drive safe.

Brothel shares leap in value
(from smh.com.au)

Investors embraced shares in the sex industry group The Daily Planet Ltd today, with the brothel more than doubling its value on its stock market debut.

Analysts were skeptical about the stock's long-term prospects. "Sure, it's up now," noted one analyst. "But how long can it stay up? That's the question."

Greenspan cautiously optimistic
(from indystar.com)

Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said Wednesday the limping economy should gradually grow stronger with the end of major fighting in Iraq.

He told the House Financial Services Committee in Washington, "I continue to believe the economy is positioned to expand at a noticeably better pace than it has during the past year, though the timing and the extent of that improvement remains uncertain."

The financial markets responded immediately to Greenspan's comments, moving up to a certain level at a certain time, and then on to another level at a different time.

Bright Light May Boost Testosterone in Men
(from Reuters)

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - An extra hour of bright light can lift the levels of a pituitary hormone that enhances testosterone in men, a new study shows.

How this development might play out for The Daily Planet Ltd. is still unclear.

All news stories (the headlines and quotes) are real and are the property of their respective publishers. I use Google News and somestmes Yahoo! to find interesting stories. I'll be here all week. Thanks. Drive safe.

'Will & Grace' actress Morrison charged
(from KansasCity.com)

LOS ANGELES -City prosecutors on Tuesday charged "Will & Grace" actress Shelley Morrison with misdemeanor shoplifting after county prosecutors declined to file a more serious felony charge.

Morrison will reportedly plead not guilty, insisting that she was merely researching the role of Winona Ryder's mother for an upcoming movie on Lifetime.

Can the new Palestinian government control militants?
(from BBC News)

Can a bear refrain from having a bowel movement in the woods? Is the Pope a Rastafarian? Is Geraldo Rivera a credible news source? Should we have taken Grandma to see 8 Mile? Are the Red Sox going to win the World Series?

N Korea publicly indicates possession of nuclear weapons
(from Japan Today)

BEIJING — North Korea indicated Wednesday that it has nuclear weapons and accused the United States of "torpedoing" the process of denuclearization on the Korean Peninsula.

"The DPRK (Democratic People's Republic of Korea) called for the denuclearization of the Korean Peninsula to ensure peace and protect the sovereignty and the dignity of the nation, not to disarm itself under the U.S. pressure," the official Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) quoted a Foreign Ministry spokesman as saying in a statement.

Secretary of State Colin Powell responded: "Based on this latest disclosure, I think we understand the dynamics of the situation more clearly. Our new policy will be to apply pressure on the North Koreans to build nukes, to starve and persecute their people, and for Kim Jong Il to act like a total freaking nut case."

All news stories (the headlines and quotes) are real and are the property of their respective publishers. I use Google News to find interesting stories. I'll be here all week. Thanks. Drive safe.

Meal Skipping Helps Rodents Resist Diabetes, Brain Damage
(from Science Daily News)

A new mouse study suggests fasting every other day can help fend off diabetes and protect brain neurons as well as or better than either vigorous exercise or caloric restriction. The findings also suggest that reduced meal frequency can produce these beneficial effects even if the animals gorged when they did eat, according the investigators at the National Institute on Aging (NIA).

Dr. Mattson and his colleagues are currently studying the effects of meal-skipping on the cardiovascular system in laboratory rats. The findings of this study, which compares the resting blood pressures and heart rates of rats that were fasted every other day for six months with rats allowed to eat unlimited amounts of food daily, should be available soon.

"We won't rest," said Mattson, "until we have rodents living twice, maybe three times as long as before."

All news stories (the headlines and quotes) are real and are the property of their respective publishers. I use Google News to find interesting stories. I'll be here all week. Thanks. Drive safe.